No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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