I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
