How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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