Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
