btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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