i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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