They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
