I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize