Well douche your snatch and let's go!
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
