Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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