We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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