I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
