we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
