i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
