i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
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