whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
