I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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