the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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