Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
