Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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