My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
