I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
