i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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