Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
