just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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