Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
