im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
