I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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