oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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