life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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