I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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