i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Randomize
