i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
