I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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