Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My life is pants optional.
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