hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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