Who wears a wallet chain?!
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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