The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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