Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
