I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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