My Higher Power is John Stamos
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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