why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
she peed on how many people?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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