If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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