I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
