If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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