I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
