I can tuck mytits in my pants
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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