My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
