a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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