also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
