I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Barsexuality is the new black.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
