Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Randomize
