guys are not supposed to queef...right?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
