Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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