I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
