My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
