All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
