I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
