i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
