When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
