just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
