I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
