that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
