i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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