Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
