Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
