I could make wine with my vomit
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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