Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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