i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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