Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
