I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
